Super Bowl Ad Super Round Up

To quote Craig Kilborn from the old incarnation of the Daily Show, what did we learn from the 2010 Super Bowl ads?

- That sass-talking old people aren't quite as funny as sass-talking old celebrities being knocked to the ground. Oh, and that Abe Vigoda is very much alive. No one will believe it when he's dead. Thanks, Snickers.

- The Hyundai Sonata is unlikely to be played to a rapturous reception in concert halls 200 years from now.

- The Chicago Bears Boost Mobile ad wouldn't have cut it as a Boost drink ad. Or even the Curly Shuffle. A lot of money for very little effect, or humor.

- Many of the ads were written or inspired by General Larry 'Pants on the Ground' Platt. I dock several points from Dockers's ad. I hope Men Without Pants will have less shelf life than Men Without Hats.

- The typical star of any commercial is some greasy gob with lank hair, facial hair that resembles nasty underbrush and a very pale complexion. In other words, they all look like Ethan Hawke. Or copywriters.

- I really hoped Montgomery Burns was going to take a football to the crotch in that Coca-Cola ad. Remember when the Simpsons stood for something other than ad pitchmen?

- Doritos proved that the viewing public can come up with ideas just as tedious, familiar and filled with cartoon violence as any highly paid ad writer can. Progress?

- My new slogan for the Godaddy.com company: Pop Goes the Weasels.

- With so many sequels, remakes and reimaginings, it was hard to tell the regular ads from the movie ads. I'm looking at you, Teleflora, Cars.com, etc.

- Most ad writers seem to have women issues. Or they suspect Super Bowl viewers do. A little of column A, a little of column B? I'm looking at you Dodge Charger.

- How many times do you think Brett Favre flip-flopped on doing the Hyundai ad?

- Dove, given how freely men tend to 'off-gas', I dare say we are all comfortable in our own skins. Except those who take their cues from Silence of the Lambs.

- If PETA really wanted to be useful, it would protest TruTV ads, and professional drivers who transport whales.

- The Bud Light House should have been a Bud Lighthouse, a beacon to thirsty, weary travelers.

- Kia has good taste in music. Their ad used The Heavy's How You Like Me Now.

- Google's ad amounted to the worst text-based computer game from the mid-80s, or a rather formulaic choose your adventure book.

- Jack in the Box ads would be so much better if they featured Jack Bauer trapped in a box.

- Don't abort your babies because the NFL needs star players, or something. But it is okay to tackle your mom? Thanks for that uplifting ad, Focus on the Family. If I oppose this vague, simplistic tripe as inappropriate for the misogynistic Super Bowl, do I have a de-fetus attitude? PS: Why did Mary Steenburgen play Tebow's mom?

- Thanks to Monster.com, Fiddling Beaver is going to be a very popular sexual euphemism. that semi-aquatic rodent probably couldn't best Charlie Daniels in a duel, but the Devil could take him.

- This Tuesday, Denny's Wants to give you the bird. Pass it on. And guys only want chicks for their eggs, then we split.

- The VW Ads were brought to you by Hawaiian Punch. But how did Stevie Wonder know when to punch Tracey Morgan? Very superstitious...

- If Gene Simmons is a 'doctor' as the Dr. Pepper ads suggest, then I say that based on all the ladies he's had, he's a gynecologist, or, to borrow from @tarpo on Twitter, he's well versed in communicable diseases.

- There is nothing Gene Simmons won't do, by the way, for money. Or attention. And the Dr. Pepper ad would have been funnier if he used the soft drink as fake blood.

- LL Cool J would have rocked the bells if he had done the Taco Bell commercial.

- Thanks to GoDaddy, I now imagine Katie Couric stripping to demonstrate how heated things are in the middle east.

- Super Bowl ads are, in general, not so super.